Young single female needs advice

[username9]

So, I was convinced to post. I am looking for any advice you might have because I am just like, kind of lost on this subject. I am kind of really shy when it comes to dating and hitting on people, and I really need all of the advice I can get. My interests are with things like business, economics, technology, some fun geeky stuff (not overboard with it though, just something fun to do with friends), and healthy living and such. I'm also 20 (doing college) and I think I really like intellect in a person and I think it's really hard to find someone for that kind of stuff. But I am a trans female (ontop of being bi). So I have really been scared to try to pursue relationships in the past. I've kind of gotten to the point where I try not to allow myself to feel attractions to people because I figure they'd just turn me down because I am trans anyways. I mean, I think that I get hit on and such by girls and guys (and am asked out, but usually say no since the feeling isn't mutual or it's clear they are just interested in a certain activity and plan on leaving right after), and I don't think passing or any of that is an issue at all, just what is 'down there' is a huge concern of mine. Plus from what I've seen most of the time people just want trans people as sex objects and I really just want a mature relationship. I am really just lost on how to go about all that. I don't usually talk to other trans women since every trans woman I have sat down with and had a conversation has some kind of drug related issue and addiction, and the mindsets and kind of people them and I hang out with I think are on totally different ends of the spectrum. I mean, I think that family and friends have been totally cool with it (even to the point of being lgbt advocates which I think is incredible), so really I think the trans thing is only an issue when it comes to these kind of relationships.

[Long Duck Dong]

hugs and welcome to the site.......

we do have some trans members here that you can seek out for help and advice...... marie delta is one that comes to mind and she spends time in chat with her partner, rock gardener....... maries normally a good source of trans info and groups so shes a good one to touch base with and she is just one of the trans community that call this place home...... or they may make contact with you in the thread or by private message.... we also have some trans person groups that you could join that have people that are trans friendly and supportive....

not everybody wants a trans person for sex, but its a matter of finding those people.... and yeah it can mean taking your time to get to know the people better before you open your arms and welcome them into your life and heart.....

my advice is to make friends, just friends and go from there, be it in real life or in this site..... and maybe you will find what you need and seek in the way of friends and possibly a partner as well

[cbj4162]

idk, maybe if you are not looking someone special will come along, all the times i have found someone whom i was looking for, i wasn't really looking, it just kind of happened .... i wish you luck :D

[elian]

Hello, and welcome. I like LDDs idea of being friends first, because someone who has taken the time to get to get to know you by being friends may be a little more understanding of your sexuality. I see a surprising amount of trans-porn in certain places - enough that it actually makes me shake my head at our supposedly "straight" society but as you say, porn is not real people and you want more. I think that's the right attitude to have. Lucky for us being "analytical" is a lot more accepted than it used to be, although for an introverted person dating can be kind of scary. One thing I have found that works for me is that if I go on a date, or an outing or whatever I try very hard not to have any preconceived notions of what I expect to happen or how I think it should turn out. If you have no expectations it is hard to be disappointed...just enjoy people's company in the present moment.

The other piece of advice I got from a friend was, "If someone invites you to a party, you go." For an incredibly shy person the thought of being around a new group of people can be scary...but once I actually get there I find that it's a lot of fun. Most of them don't bite, and the ones that do are just immature..I try not to take them personally.

When I was small I really did think I identified more with being female - some of that was the way I saw men act, I had bad male role models growing up and I just did not identify with the things they did. Over the years I have become more comfortable with who I am, I have learned that not all men are like the ones I was exposed to growing up and I suppose it's just easier to live with the factory installed equipment. There's no way I could pass now, too many hairs but that's okay..we are all loved - the universe can't "not love" a part of itself..can it? I don't think it has the capacity for hate, it just is.

I imagine it's a delicate subject but the world is a big place, I am sure there is someone out there who will love you for who you are AND what is between your legs..

[Beefeater]

After carefully reading your post, I think that you are just putting too much pressure on yourself. My advice to you would be to just relax and let your "self" just BE. Just BE you. Take time to discover and get to know the real you INSIDE and make friends with yourself. If you have to stand in front of a mirror and have a talk with yourself, that's great! There's not a better way in the world to get in touch with your inner self. You have to know WHO you are first before you find out WHAT (str8,gay,bi,tg, butcher, baker, candlestick maker what-have-you) you are. If you find certain aspects about WHO you are that you don't like or can't accept, give your "self" permission to change or accept or adapt.

All too often, people become their own worst enemy by the way they identify themselves. "I'm str8", "I'm gay", "I'm this", "I'm that". To all that, I say, "BULLFEATHERS!" All that ANY of us can BE is HUMAN. Once we learn to stop labeling our "selves" like cans of fruit and vegetables, and accept our "selves as WHO we are, we'll all be able to make peace with our "selves" and ultimately, with the rest of the world. Just BE.

[falcondfw]

After carefully reading your post, I think that you are just putting too much pressure on yourself. My advice to you would be to just relax and let your "self" just BE. Just BE you. Take time to discover and get to know the real you INSIDE and make friends with yourself. If you have to stand in front of a mirror and have a talk with yourself, that's great! There's not a better way in the world to get in touch with your inner self. You have to know WHO you are first before you find out WHAT (str8,gay,bi,tg, butcher, baker, candlestick maker what-have-you) you are. If you find certain aspects about WHO you are that you don't like or can't accept, give your "self" permission to change or accept or adapt.

All too often, people become their own worst enemy by the way they identify themselves. "I'm str8", "I'm gay", "I'm this", "I'm that". To all that, I say, "BULLFEATHERS!" All that ANY of us can BE is HUMAN. Once we learn to stop labeling our "selves" like cans of fruit and vegetables, and accept our "selves as WHO we are, we'll all be able to make peace with our "selves" and ultimately, with the rest of the world. Just BE.

Beef,
I think that is some of the best advice i have read on these boards (other than don't take any medical or legal advice as gospel without consulting a doctor or attorney).

Username,
Wow. You really have an interesting situation. I can't imagine some of the things you have seen in life. But you yourself have said you are very lucky. Your family and friends support you. Very difficult with any alternative lifestyle. At 20 years old, I would strongly suggest you follow beefeater's advice and just be and get to know yourself. You cannot make others truly happy, unless you are truly happy with yourself. And honestly, you have a lot of time in front of you. There are a lot of people on here that will lend a willing ear and some advice any time you feel you need it. Just take things slow and ... BE.

[Realist]

I wholeheartedly agree with the others...............those were excellent responses.

I would suggest that if you settle for less than you want you will probably never be satisfied. On more than one occasion I have tried to adapt to other's interests and needs, while abandoning my own. That has never worked for me! I also agree that you may find someone when you least expect it, too.

Maybe you could sit down and write out the things you must have to, at least, begin a relationship. I promise you, there is someone out there who will fit you like a missing piece of a puzzle. It may take a while to meet them, but when you do, your wait will be worth it.

Good luck!

[username9]

These are some really amazing responses. You guys really have a lot of good advice I think I'm really glad that I was convinced to post.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Babygirl, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Its an old old saying but very very true. Find out if there are some GLTB organizations or clubs in your area and do try making some friends and relationships. Go slow, discover the world, and discover Yourself. Learn, discuss, cuzz if you have to, but discover Who you are, and love yourself doing it.:}
When its time to play, relax and be You, and enjoy..:}
Have fun Darlin. Be safe at all costs.
Cat
Ever'body's feline