sharing my experience to learn

[kwanttobemyself]

I am new to the board. I have been recently exploring myself now that I am comfortably married to a beautiful woman, and 2 gorgeous daughters. Probably dangerous, I know, to be exploring my sexuality with a comfortable life, but I feel it is necessary in order to get rid of my guilt and shame I felt during my single days. I am happy to say I have had progress with that and no longer feel ashamed of my previous risky sexual behavior.

I have come to the conclusion that I am a sexual creature with attractions and arousal with members of both sexes. I am an average man who loves to slide into a hot wet vagina (my wife's only of course) but i also love a good cock sliding in and out of me.

Now that I am becoming comfortable with my sexuality I have the problem of explaining it to my wife. I am not sure how she would handle the full truth. She knows about my previous encounters with men, but she doesn't know about my recent transactions exploring naked men porn on the internet. Perhaps she doesn't need to know that part, but I do want to be completely honest with her.

I AM bisexual and I have no problem admitting it now. I love to see naked men, but my wife doesn't like porn at all, but short of having an affair with another man I am not sure how to satisfy my urges. I wonder if my wife doing me with a strap-on will satisfy me enough? Anyone else have similar experience from which I can learn?

[Long Duck Dong]

I like you...... the way you lay out your issue is balanced, settled and shows a lot of soul searching without making it all about you......

you say your wife knows about your past encounters..... her reaction to them can be a indication of her reaction to recent interests....
however in saying that, until you come out to her, you will never know her reaction, as there is a difference to knowing about past encounters and things, and having you say, one day, that you are bisexual and wish to have the options to be with other people as well as your wife......

with the aspect of strap ons, if both partners are open to the idea, its something I do suggest to people as it brings both partners together in new ways and levels and helps build a stronger relationship for the point that a open relationship is something that needs to be considered.......

using strap ons is a personal thing, some people enjoy strap ons, some people enjoy strap ons and the real thing, some people enjoy the real thing, so its different to each person... and you can only try......

my partner was interested in learning about using strap ons, so I showed her about them, and how its possible to use the strap on as a pseudo penis.... as it helped put her in the role of a male fiqure in the bedroom and better relate to what it can be like to be a male and recieve a blowjob, give anal sex etc etc
my approach was more along the lines of teaching a person a new understanding and experience, more than having sex.....but I have a vast interest in shared experiences, taking people out of their comfort zones and challenging their understanding of things........

I used the same approach with my partner, when I came out to her, by sending her to this site so she could see my profile and read the forums and decide for herself, about me and if I was her idea of a partner....... I knew the risks but risks are there to be taken and I would rather lose what I did not have than have what I risked losing..... a relationship.....

so yes, it was easier for me in a lot of ways, as some people say.... but in truth, I can still lose partners, friends, family members....... and that is something that you face with coming out......

so it comes back to you... and how well you know your wifes reactions to LGBT issues and aspects..... and that will be one of your first indications as to how she may react.......

the nest step is breaking the ice.... and something tells me that using the dream approach is the better option...... telling ya partner that you have been having erotic dreams about guys and you were a lil surprised that a man with a healthy satisfying sex life, could have wet dreams......

it tells her that you love her, you enjoy making love with her, you want to continue making love with her,.... but you are drawn to something that something you have experienced in the past..... and it gives a opening for you to talk with her about using a strap on and later, a open relationship

[LastGent]

With the way you talk, Long Duck Dong, you are a real charmer. You're the kind of guy I would like to cuddle some time in my life.

[Herculoid Poirot]

Well, I may not be the best person to answer your questions as I am still working through it myself, but first I want to congratulate you on taking this step.

If your wife is accepting of your past experiences then I'd say that she is more likely than not to accept that you still have that part of you. If you want to be honest with her, then follow your heart on that one. When you do, it's important to let her know how important and attractive she is to you.

A strap-on or any sex toy is not the same as the real thing, but it does feel great so if you can get her to go for it I think you'd enjoy it.

There are different ways to support your sexuality. On the monogamous side, there are sex toys, porn, chatting with guys and perhaps even doing cam2cam.

If possible, and it's a big IF, and if you're interested, you can attempt to work out an open marriage situation, where you could have someone whom you meet with to explore your bi side. With plenty of work and talk, it IS possible.

[Long Duck Dong]

With the way you talk, Long Duck Dong, you are a real charmer. You're the kind of guy I would like to cuddle some time in my life.

you remind of the oprah winfrey show featuring barry white, turning womans issues in to sexual / sensual things.... words like menstruation and period cramps, just by using his voice and some music......

its something that I have done for years, taken serious things and reworded them in a way that makes it easier for people to listen....... and thats something that many bisexual people could do when it comes to coming out to their partners and seeking the opportunity to explore.....

can you imagine playing stevie wonder " I just called to say I love you (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwOU3bnuU0k)* instrumental and adding your own words

I just wanted to say, how much I love you......
I just wanted to say, you are my every thing.....
I'm nervous cos I want to talk with you....
but I need you to know I am bisexual

no more nights.... of endless lost sleep.....
no more nights.... of dreading hearing you weep
no more secrets..... between us both.....
I am bisexual... but I love you the most.....

[kwanttobemyself]

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. I came on here hoping for intelligent conversation and friendliness and I am glad my first post turned out that way. I am looking for these things and not hooking up, which unfortunately I see a lot on this site. Is there another forum location everyone uses that talks seriously about (bi)sexuality without all the 'hooking up'?

With that said, I wanted to state that while I like to remember my previous sex encounters I an not looking to change my marriage into an open one - I entered into a monogamous relationship and commitment with my wife because I love her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. While I realize now I loved the act of another man putting his penis in my arse and shooting his load all in my face, that still doesn't take away from the fact I love my wife and I love shooting my load inside and on her. I committed to her and only her. Now, not to say if she says she wants us both to hook up with another for sexual encounters that I wouldn't, I just don't like the idea of putting myself into a position (such that an open marriage would do) to love another in place of her.. I just couldn't risk losing her.

With that said, I guess the route would be to alter our sex life to include toys and strap-ons. Of course, our sex life is drastically slowed due to 2 children, finding time to love and explode is difficult. I wish someone could tell me the secret to that.

Of course, my wife wouldn't go for the porn thing, she is a very jealous person and the idea of me looking at anyone else is out. Chatting and cam2cam is out too. Somehow that feels like cheating as well... How does one separate the feeling and love from the physicality if sex?

[stu.gottz]

First love is a condition of the mind and sex is a physical thing (mostly) so please don't confuse the too. I love my dogs but I don't have sex with them. Second, STOP thinking about telling your wife! Tolerance of the past is one thing the possibility of something in the here and now is not something a person who will get jealous over porn can handle. (Please everyone spare me the righteous indignation about honesty) Honesty has it's place and hurting people, your wife, your children for the sake of your clean conscious is selfish not selfless.

Be honest with yourself about what you want which from the sound of your post is an excuse, a justification, a loophole a way to get some man meat (or a reasonable facsimile). Which brings us to number 3, you have a problem, a conflict of interest and competing desires. You obviously love your wife very much and you want to get fucked by men. That feeling is not going to go away and your wife is not a man.

Short answer is you have three choices; go get a cock in your ass or mouth or both and enjoy it. Make every effort to not satisfy that itch, ever in which case your wife and you remain happily married. Tell your wife you want her to wear a strap on so you don't have to have so guy pound your ass and she'll likely pack her bags and the kids call you a disgusting pervert and leave.

All of this may be uncomfortable but it is the truth. That's why I started out by pointing out the difference between love and sex. I love to eat and eat to live but they are separate things. I can survive on bad food I just won't enjoy it. You can survive (me too) on just your wife's pussy but it may never be enough. If sometimes you have to have take out (cock) to stay alive (sane) then you're best to keep it to yourself.

[kwanttobemyself]

First love is a condition of the mind and sex is a physical thing (mostly) so please don't confuse the too. I love my dogs but I don't have sex with them. Second, STOP thinking about telling your wife! Tolerance of the past is one thing the possibility of something in the here and now is not something a person who will get jealous over porn can handle. (Please everyone spare me the righteous indignation about honesty) Honesty has it's place and hurting people, your wife, your children for the sake of your clean conscious is selfish not selfless.

Be honest with yourself about what you want which from the sound of your post is an excuse, a justification, a loophole a way to get some man meat (or a reasonable facsimile). Which brings us to number 3, you have a problem, a conflict of interest and competing desires. You obviously love your wife very much and you want to get fucked by men. That feeling is not going to go away and your wife is not a man.

Short answer is you have three choices; go get a cock in your ass or mouth or both and enjoy it. Make every effort to not satisfy that itch, ever in which case your wife and you remain happily married. Tell your wife you want her to wear a strap on so you don't have to have so guy pound your ass and she'll likely pack her bags and the kids call you a disgusting pervert and leave.

All of this may be uncomfortable but it is the truth. That's why I started out by pointing out the difference between love and sex. I love to eat and eat to live but they are separate things. I can survive on bad food I just won't enjoy it. You can survive (me too) on just your wife's pussy but it may never be enough. If sometimes you have to have take out (cock) to stay alive (sane) then you're best to keep it to yourself.


Sorry to say there, Stu, but you don't know what you are talking about with regards to my situation. While some tiny bits may be true, on the whole you couldn't be more wrong about what I want.

I want and love my wife and I love making love and even in the crudest sense having sex with her - its not a matter of survival, I enjoy it. Now, I admit I also enjoyed sex with men, but I don't need it to enjoy my life.

From the sounds of it stu you seem to want everyone here to pick a side and a hardline to ride, but I would say that is an attitude that doesn't bode well for this forum.. and definitely not by me.

I have been not been more honest in my life than I am right now. I have done a lot of soul searching and I feel a great weight off of myself in my own admittances to myself. For you to come on here and tell me what the truth is when you can't possibly know anything about me is not only disrespectful but self righteous.

I know who I have been and who I am now... And who I am going to become... And nobody will tell me otherwise.

[stu.gottz]

I do apologize for insulting you, sincerely. I just confused what you were saying directly and to some extent by implication what I have heard other men say over the years and and apparently wrongly dumped you in that category.

My advice however was sincere if not tactful. I find a great many people lie to themselves about what they want and then look for outsiders to validate their delusion so they can justify what they want to do. Or to solicit advice based on their lie so they can then have a scapegoat when things fall apart.

I'm afraid I am far more cynical that self-righteous.

[Herculoid Poirot]

Secrets, secrets, secrets. They eat away at your soul. The more honest you can be, the happier you will be.

[kwanttobemyself]

I do apologize for insulting you, sincerely. I just confused what you were saying directly and to some extent by implication what I have heard other men say over the years and and apparently wrongly dumped you in that category.

My advice however was sincere if not tactful. I find a great many people lie to themselves about what they want and then look for outsiders to validate their delusion so they can justify what they want to do. Or to solicit advice based on their lie so they can then have a scapegoat when things fall apart.

I'm afraid I am far more cynical that self-righteous.

After reading what I wrote I can certainly see how you could come to that conclusion. For more honesty I am in a current state of constant questioning about my life and not just my sexuality right now.

While I have done my share of lying to myself in previous years I am just now coming to grips with a great many things.. my sexuality among them. Well, it has been the one that concerned me the most because of the shame I felt about my behaviors.

I thank you for your bluntness and explanation, and I see your post with some appreciation now. Thank you.

[kwanttobemyself]

Secrets, secrets, secrets. They eat away at your soul. The more honest you can be, the happier you will be.

While I do agree with your statement, I also agree with stu (after some thought) about honesty with regards to the porn. My wife would have no problem with my sexuality, but she is jealous of it and frankly doesn't agree with it at all. So in that respect I will be leaving that part out. :)

As any implication of me wanting to be with men while married that was not my intention .. I have been exploring recently and discovered my frustrations come from not directing my sexual energies at my wife enough.. nor all the love I should be. Not that I wasn't before, but I had been holding back out of fear. Lately I have been much happier because I have been loving her more.

That's honesty, loving her is as honest as I can get.

[bikiniman]

My wife knows that I fantasize about having sex with men and watch gay porn but is not that happy about it. However providing I am faithful to her she seems to accept it. She doesn't really want to know about that side of me. So I satisfy my urges with porn, fantasies and sex toys.

What has helped me with my urges more than anything has been to re-direct to my sexual energy back into our sex life. It is hard when you have got kids to find the time and the energy. My wife and I have committed to have sex at least twice a week (Tuesdays and Fridays) which has worked wonders.

There are still times however when I crave sex with another man. Whilst it would be great, I am not sure that my wife doing me with a strap on would change that.

Good luck!