So Confused, need advice.

[Icequeen33]

I just joined the forum because I am confused and don't know what to do. My husband just informed me that he is bi-sexual but he has never had sex with a man nor does he find them attractive. He say's that if the opportunity came he would not mind at all and he finds it hot. I love him and I never wanted him to hide anything from me but I feel that its just one more thing I have to worry about. What if he has sex with a man and hides it from me? Can he actually be bi-sexual if he doesnt find men attractive nor has had sex with one?
Thanks For listening.

[tenni]

You may want to ask him what he means when he says that he is not attracted to men.

Some bisexual men are interested in only the genitals (cock) of another man and nothing else about his body. They do not see themselves as "attracted" in the same way that he is attracted to you.(physically and emotionally).

He may be interested in cock and oral sex often giving oral sex(to be blunt). If he hasn't tried sex with a man he is only thinking about it. He may find that he is not really interested with the real sex organ or he may like it. He won't know until he tries but what he is doing is sharing with you his inner thoughts. Stay calm and continue talking to him. He still loves you both physically and emotionally.(more likely if he disclosed this part of himself) You don't mention his age but some men become interested in other men after 40 and had no interest before. It is not uncommon.

Keep communication open and you may want to discuss what "rules" you might like him to follow if you accept this aspect of his sexuality. Once, you agree to the conditions, he may not be interested in further exploration or he may. Good luck.

[Long Duck Dong]

hi and welcome to bisexual.com

opinions differ amongst bisexuals on what a bisexual actually is defined as, so I am using the definitions that bisexuals themselves, have used in the site... rather than the psych defined definitions of what a bisexual is, as its easier to help you with your questions

sexuality is not something that is clear cut, some people can *know* their sexuality or sexual interests without being sexual...... people talk about feeling a desire / attraction or having a interest in something that they have never tried in the past

some bisexuals have no interest in the same gender, but the idea and thrill of same sex activity can be of interest, some bisexuals in the site talk about a attraction to a penis but no interest in the person its attached to.....

it is confusing to people to try and relate something that appears to make no sense, but when its like that, we need to think about ourselves, and how growing up we came to a understanding about our own desires and sexuality, then apply that to the other person.... then it can help to make more sense....

what if he has sex with another man and hides it ??? thats not a bisexual issue, thats a issue that any person of any sexuality can do with any gendered partner, its a failure to communicate with their partner..... its not fair on the partner, but yes in the site you will find those that are clear on communication and honesty between partners, and those that will say that a non bisexual has no right to deny a bisexual the right to exercise their desires and interests with other people....... its up to you to decide what your feelings are in your relationship as its your relationship, not ours .....

it sounds to me, to be a situation where he may be interested in sex with other people and has not acted on it..... but at the end of the day, YOU have rights too, you do not have to be the silent partner and give him free rein because he is bisexual.... no person has the right to say that their sexuality gives them free rein or that they should not be restricted, when in a relationship / marriage as there is two people in a relationship / marriage, not one.......

if you are open to him exploring, then yes, you need to be clear about what you are willing to compromise on, accept and allow.....

if you are not open to that, you also need to be clear about that and that you are not ok with the idea of other sexual partners for his satisfaction.

he may accept your stance, he may not, its a 2 way street, but it can become a make or break situation in your relationship if a compromise can not be reached that works for BOTH partners.....

there are a number of members in the site that have worked thru opening up the relationship and some that have found that it ended the relationship / marriage..... so in a way, again, its not a bisexual issue, failure to compromise and resolve issues is something that can affect all relationships......

so talk with him and think about how you feel about your role in the relationship as I am sure that you will find that you have other questions about things .... and we are always here to listen and talk with you and help as best we can.....

[Icequeen33]

Thanks for replying to my post.
Tenni to answer your question he in in his early 30's and says he's been fighting this for a while and didnt know how to tell me. I have been trying to pick his brain ever since he told me and from what I get out of it, is that theres only certain things he finds attractive on a man, Abs,cock and he has to have a nice ass but then he says he's not attractive to a man...which really confuses me more on the situation.

Long Duck I just dont want him to be unhappy and I know it doesnt matter if you are straight, bi or gay anyone can cheat. He tells me that he wouldnt do it with out my consent and wants me in the room when it or if it ever happens. I dont know if I could do that. I have a lot of gay friends and am cool with it because they are happy and that is all that matters. But then I sit here thinking that if I dont let him do this then I am making him miserable (if that makes any sense).

Thanks again for listening.

[welickit]

The fact that he shared all this with you is a big step for him. Many guys prefer to cheat than be open and honest with their wife. The fact that you didn't explode is a positive for both of you. We can relate to him saying he would not cheat on you. We are both bisexual and have no desire to cheat on each other. We find being bisexual a way of life that works for us without any fear that trust will be violated. You finding this site and trying to learn and understand bisexuals is a really good starting point in this new chapter of life. Learning right along with him and honestly discussing each new thing together will help you both. If he decides he needs to try sex with another guy and wants you there for support, discuss that and set some rules before you venture forth. You might want to have an understanding that you can leave the room if you need to or if watching has the opposite effect on you then you might want the option open that you can join them. If you decide against being there will there always be a doubt in your mind?? Above all else keep an open mind and an open line of communication, go slow and be comfortable with yourself as well as the situation at hand.

We both wish you the best of luck.:bipride:

[tenni]

Icequeen
He is following fairly closely the section of bisexual men who separate the body sections from the entire guy both physically, intellectually and emotionally. There are many men who have this and it may evolve from admiration of these body parts and wishing that he had them to sexually being attracted. Who knows: the important thing is to work out his sexuality to both of your satisfaction. The point is that he is sexually aroused by these body parts on other men. Has he been comfortable enough to disclose what he fantasizes about doing with these body parts? I would suspect that he has masturbated thinking about some sexual activity. He may not but I suspect that he has. As strange as it may seem to you, this is his sexuality. It isn't going away. He has suppressed it from what you have written and he wants to be open with you.

Welickit has given you some important questions/issues to discuss with him and reflect on yourself. If you want to remain in a relationship with him and you want him to be happy try to work through both of your and his fears. You are wise to recognize that at his core he needs to work through this. There are several women on this site who have husbands who are bisexual and hopefully will comment.

[Long Duck Dong]

Thanks for replying to my post.
Tenni to answer your question he in in his early 30's and says he's been fighting this for a while and didnt know how to tell me. I have been trying to pick his brain ever since he told me and from what I get out of it, is that theres only certain things he finds attractive on a man, Abs,cock and he has to have a nice ass but then he says he's not attractive to a man...which really confuses me more on the situation.

Long Duck I just dont want him to be unhappy and I know it doesnt matter if you are straight, bi or gay anyone can cheat. He tells me that he wouldnt do it with out my consent and wants me in the room when it or if it ever happens. I dont know if I could do that. I have a lot of gay friends and am cool with it because they are happy and that is all that matters. But then I sit here thinking that if I dont let him do this then I am making him miserable (if that makes any sense).

Thanks again for listening.

the issue with what you say, is something that comes up in the forum a lot...... its not fair if the bisexual has to go without..... the trouble there, is the exception is on you as the non bisexual, to give up your dreams and hopes in order for your bisexual partner to have sex with other people....

that tends to give the impression that bisexuals, by nature, are selfish people that want all of their rights and give nothing in return...... and if they can not have what they want, they will be miserable and unhappy.....

not all bisexuals want open relationships...... for some couples they can satisfy their desires within the relationship without going off with other people.... so the key there is to talk with your partner and see what compromises can be reached within the relationship.....

that can allow you and him to explore with each other together with toys etc,... before the relationship is opened up.... and the reason for that is that some bisexuals do have a interest in sex toys and interaction with their partner and the bisexual desires and urges can be resolved between the couple

attitudes in the forum like that, are often referred as conforming to the hetero mainstream morality ( aka monogamy ).... when in fact its couples working together within their relationship to see if there is any potential issues that can arise in the future.... some couples have found a new aspect of sexual interaction between themselves and their partners..... others have found ways to heighten the experiences with open relationships as they are working with their partner at basic levels........

so if you are interested in using strapons etc and ya hubby is open to it too, you can try that and see what new dynamics it brings into the bedroom

[hotfun26]

I understand how you feel. My fiance told me when we had been dating for about 5 months that he was bi-sexual. He also says he is only attracted to the cock and not the man. I was shocked and very confused about my feelings at first. When he first told me if felt like I had been hit in the pit of my stomach. However, I am also bi-sexual and have been with several women so I felt like a hypocrite. I didn't know why it freaked me out so much!

After he initially told me we really didn't talk about it too much more but I told him I supported him and I would be open to discussing things further. I love my fiance and I would want to be able to provide anything for him to fulfill him completely. However I know he would never want to do anything that would hurt me and he never would!

Since then I decided to watch bi porn and try to see if it turned me on. I actually ended up getting turned on if the guys weren't too gay or feminine. Because I am bisexual and open I found it only fair that I tried to understand his desires.

There are certain things that now I find would turn me on. I would love to watch another guy suck his cock. I think it would be hot to watch him stroke another man's cock and get him hard. I think because it's my fiance and he is such a strong, masculine man, it's hard for me to imagine anything beyond that. I know he primarily wants things done to him rather him doing things to men and I also know he never wants to do anything unless I'm involved. He calls it balance. I also know he is sincerely committed to me and our relationship as am I, so we both agree we could never be with someone else without the other person being involved as well.

He has recently become more confused because he struggles with his own sexuality and is not sure what is safe anymore, by what he says. He also fantasizes about men doing things to me and often says he wished there were two of him. We recently tried two guys where the other guy was straight and he didn't like it at all. He said with the guy being straight it didn't make it just about the sex with me and that bothered him a lot!

So from there, he is now confused about whether or not he would still really want to see me fuck a bisexual guy. He fantasizes about it often, but now is confused and a bit afraid to tread those waters again.

He also is afraid to do anything with a bisexual guy in front of me because he is terrified I will look at him differently. He says he loves the way I view and look at him and it would kill him if he ever did anything to change that.

I think the fact that we love each other so much and we would both do anything to make the other happy, we have found ourselves in a dilemna.

I do have a small fear that his urges to be with men will only grow and grow as he gets older. On the other hand, there were things he said that he used to think were super hot when he was younger and when he tried them he didn't really like them at all.

I don't know. I guess I'm just voicing my situation to you icequeen and also looking for a bit of advice myself.

[keefer201]

Hotfun; I will pay you to shut up and go away.

[Icequeen33]

Everyone has given me more of an insight on this and y'all are great, I never expected that I would get so much input on this, it makes me feel alot better about this. Believe it or not on how open my husband has been with me I havent told him that I have looked to the internet for help and support with this.
Tenni I know for a fact he has gotten him self off my watching bisexual porn, I am trying to figure him out more and what he likes after 16yrs with him its feels like its changed and I am trying to get it. I have watched it with him just to understand what he likes about it.

Long Duck I will tell you one thing that I am the only person that he has had sex with, before we got married I told him if he wanted to have sex with anyone else do it now before hand, I thought it to be fair because he was not my first rodeo but I knew I wanted him to be my last. Thank you for the input with toys and such, cause what I meant by him being unhappy is in the bedroom cause there might be a point where I can't give him what he wants sometimes. We have over the last couple of days talked about strap ons....but they look so uncomfortable.

Hotfun my husband told me when I was drinking thinking if I was sober that I would fly off the handle. Which made no sense to me because I thought he knew me better then that. I am starting to think that I am more confused about him telling me when I drinking, then him telling me he was bisexual.I guess when you come to an understanding about yourself you are afraid of what others think. I am trying to understand this myself and trying to get him to be more open about it and not be afraid to tell me anything.
I saw where you said you recently tried a 3some with another man who was straight ( if I read that right) Why didn't you with another bisexual man, he might have felt more comfortable with it as well as feeling more comfortable now.

[csrakate]

Hotfun; I will pay you to shut up and go away.

WTF?? Why all the animosity, Keefer??

[keefer201]

Katie; it has become all too apparent that this kind of thread is not only fake, but totally unoriginal. Does anyone notice the join dates and the matter of the question? :rolleyes:

[Icequeen33]

At least Keefer you are a very honest person. This is why I am here for honesty and insight.

[keefer201]

I am not here for discortations, nor to hear my inner self. Some things are just so on your nose obvious. No harm meant.

[Icequeen33]

No harm done here. I just thought it was funny.:)

[keefer201]

I just joined the forum because I am confused and don't know what to do. My husband just informed me that he is bi-sexual but he has never had sex with a man nor does he find them attractive. He say's that if the opportunity came he would not mind at all and he finds it hot. I love him and I never wanted him to hide anything from me but I feel that its just one more thing I have to worry about. What if he has sex with a man and hides it from me? Can he actually be bi-sexual if he doesnt find men attractive nor has had sex with one?
Thanks For listening.

If he has had sex with another man, without you knowing; he is not bisexual, HE IS A CHEATER. At some point it doesn't matter if you caught him getting blown by the vacuum cleaner.

[Icequeen33]

Keefer he says he never had sex with another man, but wouldnt mind if it happened. And if I come home from work one day and he's turned to the vacuum, that just means that I need to hide the attachments as well as the vacuum cleaner.

[Long Duck Dong]

icequeen, there are a number of ladies and guys that enjoy strapons, its just a matter of finding the right ones for you and your partner if it interests you both......

some people perfer the real thing over plastic or latex.... and one issue that some people find with strapons is that the male gets satisfaction but not the lady..... tho there are some toys like the feeldoe (https://www.feeldoe.com/) are designed with ladies and gents in mind and that is just one option available.....

the issue with dildoes or the real thing, is still the issue with cleanliness but there is more to the aspect than that.... some people have hidden issues that are emotional and mental in nature and do not surface until they are in a situation, such as the issue with hotfun, whose partner and her has a 3some with a straight guy and the partner reacted adversely to her having sex with another person........

the world of the bisexual looks good on the surface, but for many bisexuals and their partners, it can be a learning experience and baby steps,......

[void()]

Thanks for replying to my post.
Tenni to answer your question he in in his early 30's and says he's been fighting this for a while and didnt know how to tell me. I have been trying to pick his brain ever since he told me and from what I get out of it, is that theres only certain things he finds attractive on a man, Abs,cock and he has to have a nice ass but then he says he's not attractive to a man...which really confuses me more on the situation.

Long Duck I just dont want him to be unhappy and I know it doesnt matter if you are straight, bi or gay anyone can cheat. He tells me that he wouldnt do it with out my consent and wants me in the room when it or if it ever happens. I dont know if I could do that. I have a lot of gay friends and am cool with it because they are happy and that is all that matters. But then I sit here thinking that if I dont let him do this then I am making him miserable (if that makes any sense).

Thanks again for listening.


"I have been trying to pick his brain ever since he told me and from what I get out of it, is that theres only certain things he finds attractive on a man, Abs,cock and he has to have a nice ass but then he says he's not attractive to a man...which really confuses me more on the situation. "


You seem to be saying two things at once.

1. Husband/SO says they like X on men. ' he finds attractive on a man, Abs,cock and he has to have a nice ass '

2. Husband/SO says men do not find them attractive. 'he says he's not attractive to a man'

It appears you're conflating the two issues in allowing stream of conscious to wax rampant. You may consider slowing delivery, applying thought. Of course, the alleged humour isn't.

[FUNTYMZZ]

Hey I think you would find this website very helpful :D

http://enlightenedmale2000.com/male-bisexuality-marriage/

[Icequeen33]

"I have been trying to pick his brain ever since he told me and from what I get out of it, is that theres only certain things he finds attractive on a man, Abs,cock and he has to have a nice ass but then he says he's not attractive to a man...which really confuses me more on the situation. "


You seem to be saying two things at once.

1. Husband/SO says they like X on men. ' he finds attractive on a man, Abs,cock and he has to have a nice ass '

2. Husband/SO says men do not find them attractive. 'he says he's not attractive to a man'

It appears you're conflating the two issues in allowing stream of conscious to wax rampant. You may consider slowing delivery, applying thought. Of course, the alleged humour isn't.

Void Dweller I am just saying what he told me when he first told me a couple of weeks ago, when he first told me he said that He wasnt attracted to men. Then not to long ago he tells me what he likes. Sometimes I end up leaving stuff out because I type so fast and with 2 toddlers constantly getting into stuff I sometimes cant proof read what I am typing to make sure it makes any sense. Hell this whole thing doesnt make any sense because if it did, I wouldnt be posting here with you folks.

[void()]

I can be empathetic. I am also human. Forgive this failing. Your use of 'you folks', causes me to feel incapable of more conversation. I hope the best for you and yours. Am sorry for having this intolerance. May be something which infects 'us folks'.

[cuttin2dachase]

IQ, It seems he has a very powerful sexual fantasy/desire to try mm oral sex...so much so that he already sees himself as bi, not bi curious. He wants to try it with your blessing and maybe with your participation, too. As others in this thread have said, he more than likely will not cheat on you to realize his fantasy. He wants you accept it, share it and maybe even be a part of it. There are things that you must get him to further discuss openly with you before you make a decision whether or not to support him in his and I think you are doing that already.

I would ask him when he 1st began having the fantasies, as well as what (or who) originally triggered them and what (or who) triggers them now. Also ask him if he would be turned on by your presence and/or participation. Now would also be the time to perhaps open up and tell him of any fantasies/desires you may have, especially if they could mesh with his own. It's different for every couple who faces the issue of alternate sexuality. I wish you both the courage to meet it head on and arrive at a mutually agreeable resolution.

[Jobelorocks]

Icequeen, I have a strap-on that I really like and I find pretty comfortable. This is the one I have http://www.edenfantasys.com/vibrating-velvet-harness/adult-toys-dvds-17921 (you can cut off excess strap to fit you best) and I tend to like dildos made out of silicone like these http://www.edenfantasys.com/dildos/catalog/#filter-2-1-1175-7623-5-1 . Now the kind of dildo would be up to what you and your partner would like best, but this is the one I have and like best http://www.edenfantasys.com/dildos/strap-on-dildos/silk-medium. I really like using it and find it is kind of nice to be the fucker as opposed to the fuckee every once in a while. lol