Advice on what to do

[confused_Hubby]

Just joined after a quick look thru in hopes for a different perspective on things and maybe a bit of advise.

After my wife n i got married my job took me away from the states for a few months. During the time she got a job traveling. While traveling her and her roommate became close friends. i came home and drove down to where they were at for the week to surprise her for our birthday. As a present she wanted a cute and sexy pair of lingerie. So naturally I picked something up at vickies and wrapped it up. When i got to the hotel her and her roommate had just gotten in from work. we were all sitting around and she decided to open her gift and then closed it. When she put the box down her roomie asked if she was going to model it for us. my wife passed on it. fast forward a couple of months we're still dealing with the long distance relationship to the tune of half way around the world. I would call to check on things and say hi every day or so and would sometimes hear funky things in the background. A few months after we both finally managed to stay in one zip code together for more then a week at a time she finally admitted that they had fooled around a bit while they were traveling. She didn't tell me because she thought that I would be mad and leave her especially considering we were newly weds. I told her i was fine with it and that was the end of it.

Fast forward three years and we're having issues due to a work related injury she decides she might be bi and if i was ok with her maybe dating girls. being the supportive hubby i say go for it, knowing my wife's taste tends toward cute and not butch i'm not too worried. This goes on and off for a few months then she says she's over it.

two years later she says she's not bi(or curious) yet she's constantly asking if i would do a threesome with this friend or that. or what i think of this gal or another. She's constantly getting hit on by girls when she's out and about. I'm just not sure if she's testing to see if i'm faithful or if she's thinking about trying again with girls.

most times when she asks what i would do its a simple answer of i would more then likely sit and watch...i can hardy keep up with one let alone two.

any sugestions...need more info ect.

thanks in advance

udderly perplexed

[Realist]

Hubby,

First of all, welcome to the site.

My thoughts: At least she is not hiding her interests from you. Some men would love to join in, some would not-but be OK with her doing whatever, and some might even be hurt by having to share her with anyone else. Only you can decide what is best for you.

You didn't state if you had any bisexual interests. But, as a bisexual man, I can understand her being attracted to her own gender. I would also appreciate her being up-front and honest with me.

You didn't say if you were jealous, or not, but I found out long ago that jealousy has no place in my life. But, you are either jealous, or not.

If her being bisexual is bugging you, you should tell her. But, from my experiences, even if she agrees to restrain her desire for women, the urges will rarely go away. (I know...I attempted to suppress my desires through two marriages)

[confused_Hubby]

True enough and I'm glad she's told me.

me personally it took a good bit of tears and therapy to get over a very bad party experience and have no interest in guys.

i've dated bi girls in the past I see no reason to be jealous.

What bugs and bothers me is her swinging from maybe i am to yup nope

[mnjack]

Your wife may still be unsure of her sexual nature. Indeed, her desires may oscillate between bi and hetero and back. In either case, the question is whether you feel confident enough in your relationship to let her explore. As others have said, she is being honest with you, which shows that she loves and respects you. The question for you is whether you can share her with someone else without feeling jealous. Once you have answered that question, all the rest will fall in place.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I think you're a very fortunate man, Hon. At least she is honest with you--she's not trying to hide it, And she has asked your opinion or asked you to join in. Women are ever changing.....and her indecision is probably based on her love and commitment to You. Feel honored..:}
Good luck and welcome to here..:}
Cat

[slipnslide]

End the marriage. It's way too complicated.

Life is short. Eliminate the complications.

[mikey3000]

End the marriage. It's way too complicated.

Life is short. Eliminate the complications.

You are such a fucking douche. I'd love to see how you handle marriage, that is if you ever find someone to put up with your queenie attitude. Go away you annoying bitch.

[bobble]

I'm in the camp that thinks she is doing the best she can.

Sounds like maybe she is stuggling with her sexuality. It seems that people, can struggle with these issues for years and years. It is, perhaps, an evolution rather than an event. I can well imagine that she is very scared about what your reaction will be...not just what you say, but how it changes anything between you two, do your supportive words match your actions, etc.

It also seems that your geographical limitations may be an issue for the relationship.

That said, I think honesty and openness, good communications, will aid both of you!

Good Luck

[FunE1]

It sounds like she is definitely bi and wanting to explore it. It also sounds like she wants you to be a part of that. Of course, I'm basing that off of what you wrote and how I read that, so...

The easiest way for you to find out what's what is for you to sit down and TALK WITH YOUR WIFE! Ask what she's trying to find out by asking you these questions. Ask her what she wants from your relationship right now. If she can't tell you, then tell her what YOU'D like from your relationship right now, but talk, talk, talk!!!

You two have the answer between you... the rest of us are just taking shots with only 1/2 the input needed.

[slipnslide]

You are such a fucking douche. I'd love to see how you handle marriage, that is if you ever find someone to put up with your queenie attitude. Go away you annoying bitch.

I handle relationships EXACTLY as I describe. I only get involved with women who want that too. When we realise the relationship has run its course we pack it up and move on. As a result, I've experienced a lot more than I would have if I'd stuck it out in a broken relationship.

Your reaction would imply that someone gave up on you and you're harbouring anger. Take it up with them, don't come screaming at me. lol.

[Jobelorocks]

I handle relationships EXACTLY as I describe. I only get involved with women who want that too. When we realise the relationship has run its course we pack it up and move on. As a result, I've experienced a lot more than I would have if I'd stuck it out in a broken relationship.

Your reaction would imply that someone gave up on you and you're harbouring anger. Take it up with them, don't come screaming at me. lol.

I don't think you realize that EVERY relationship has issues and you work through them, not just say it got a little hard and give up. If I did that I wouldn't have the amazing husband I do now. We work through our issues, we don't give up on each other. Sometimes things are amazing, sometime things are hard, but I wouldn't give up my marriage for anything in the world. Everything worthwhile requires work and sacrifice.

[slipnslide]

I don't think you realize that EVERY relationship has issues and you work through them, not just say it got a little hard and give up. If I did that I wouldn't have the amazing husband I do now. We work through our issues, we don't give up on each other. Sometimes things are amazing, sometime things are hard, but I wouldn't give up my marriage for anything in the world. Everything worthwhile requires work and sacrifice.

And you can prove you aren't missing out on an even better relationship?

Oh right. No, you can't.

[mikey3000]

I handle relationships EXACTLY as I describe. I only get involved with women who want that too. When we realise the relationship has run its course we pack it up and move on. As a result, I've experienced a lot more than I would have if I'd stuck it out in a broken relationship.

Your reaction would imply that someone gave up on you and you're harbouring anger. Take it up with them, don't come screaming at me. lol.
Dude, you are a douche bag AND a liar. No woman wants to be disposable. So much you know. And you say you're straight? Ha ha ha!

The only anger I have is for stupid people who give relationship advice when they don't have a clue what a relationship is. 24 years with my wife means that I must be doing something right. I doubt you've had a relationship longer than your last orgasm.

[Jobelorocks]

And you can prove you aren't missing out on an even better relationship?

Oh right. No, you can't.

Well, no I can't , but you can't prove the contrary either. But what I do know is this, every relationship I have had, romantic and platonic have taken work. All the ones that have mattered the most and I treasure the most have their good and bad times. Relationships get hard sometimes, you can never meet someone you always agree with and problems will arise in EVERY relationship. I am glad I didn't break off relationships just because they had hard times, because in the end I would have lost out on so much good.

Honestly I think you are either being selfish, naive, or you just want to try to get people angry and annoyed for the sake of making others angry or annoyed.

[Jobelorocks]

Dude, you are a douche bag AND a liar. No woman wants to be disposable. So much you know. And you say you're straight? Ha ha ha!

The only anger I have is for stupid people who give relationship advice when they don't have a clue what a relationship is. 24 years with my wife means that I must be doing something right. I doubt you've had a relationship longer than your last orgasm.

Amen to that. No one wants to be disposable. I mean if someone is just a fuck bud, you may have a different attitude, but in any real relationship you have to be willing to work through the bad times to make anything work. I really doubt that slip has had any meaningful lasting relationships.

[mikey3000]

And you can prove you aren't missing out on an even better relationship?

Oh right. No, you can't.

And this, folks, is exactly what I meant by the sickness of the 21st century. Nothing is ever enough.

[Rhevan]

You need to relax and just not think so hard about it, sexuality is a fluid thing and she may very well be picking up on mixed signals from you so she's giving mixed signals right back. Just enjoy being with her as much as possible and keep the lines of communication open, make it where she can talk with you and not to you. I wish you luck.


Rhevan

[slipnslide]

And this, folks, is exactly what I meant by the sickness of the 21st century. Nothing is ever enough.

Being rational is hardly a sickness. Having the wisdom to look at a situation and realise that it's ridiculous to not simply move on is a sickness called obsession.

Evolutionary biology / psychology explains why you think the way you do. Sticking with someone - in a hetero relationship - increases your chances of creating a next generation to look after you in your old age. It's self-preservation. But we don't live in that world anymore. We now have pensions and health care benefits that take care of us later.

Instead we now have a whole world to explore. Relationships that come and go are a part of soaking in all the world has to offer before you inevitably die. I learn and grow through different relationships in a way that I never would have with the same person for 40 years.

It's interesting that someone on bisexual.com wouldn't understand that "traditional" relationships are a consequence of an artificial social structure that is vaporizing in front of our eyes.

The realisation has to be behind why seniors are divorcing in record rates.

Comfort Life News Round-Up: “Till Mid-Life Do Us Part” (http://www.vancouversun.com/life/parenting/Grey+divorces+Long+married+boomers+knot/5119277/story.html)

[DuckiesDarling]

Being rational is hardly a sickness. Having the wisdom to look at a situation and realise that it's ridiculous to not simply move on is a sickness called obsession.

Evolutionary biology / psychology explains why you think the way you do. Sticking with someone - in a hetero relationship - increases your chances of creating a next generation to look after you in your old age. It's self-preservation. But we don't live in that world anymore. We now have pensions and health care benefits that take care of us later.

Instead we now have a whole world to explore. Relationships that come and go are a part of soaking in all the world has to offer before you inevitably die. I learn and grow through different relationships in a way that I never would have with the same person for 40 years.

It's interesting that someone on bisexual.com wouldn't understand that "traditional" relationships are a consequence of an artificial social structure that is vaporizing in front of our eyes.

The realisation has to be behind why seniors are divorcing in record rates.

Comfort Life News Round-Up: “Till Mid-Life Do Us Part” (http://www.vancouversun.com/life/parenting/Grey+divorces+Long+married+boomers+knot/5119277/story.html)

Actually, Slip, and I do know this from sitting at the local office waiting for my turn to get some help....seniors are divorcing in record numbers because they can get help easier now if they are just living together versus married. I saw one couple sitting there talking about what they were just told by an aid person, if you were divorced the income wouldn't be over the limit. So to get help and actually afford both food and medicine they were thinking seriously of tossing away 42 years of marriage. I'm not sure what they decided at the end because I didn't see them on my next visit but when one couple is given that advice then surely others are. Have you ever noticed that most older couples who divorce are not with other people? They are still sharing a house and still acting married even though legally they aren't?

It is a sad fact of life that times have changed so much that it is becoming harder and harder to honor the "til death do us part" vows when honoring the rest of them is easier...apart. :2cents:

[mikey3000]

Instead we now have a whole world to explore. Relationships that come and go are a part of soaking in all the world has to offer before you inevitably die. I learn and grow through different relationships in a way that I never would have with the same person for 40 years.

It's interesting that someone on bisexual.com wouldn't understand that "traditional" relationships are a consequence of an artificial social structure that is vaporizing in front of our eyes.



But why not grow and explore the world together. My wife and I were very young when we got together. I was just 18, but we were good friends. We married, started a family, nearly lost a child, built a home, lost that home and rebuilt said home, got great jobs, lost great jobs, discovered ourselves and eachother, made eachother a part of our worlds and not the centre of them. And IF things stop, then we agreed long ago to let the other move on, but so far we haven't stopped growing. Haven't stopped loving.

I guess that's what's needed. To love someone else more than you love yourself.

[slipnslide]

I guess that's what's needed. To love someone else more than you love yourself.

That's all very poetic and great if it works for you, but you wouldn't believe the number of friends who now in their mid-30s I've have secretly tell me they are envious of my life. They regret their marriage, and having children. They tell me they did it because they just went with the flow with what they thought they were supposed to do.

I feel awful for them. They're miserable and feel trapped because they don't want to leave their spouse and children. Some have upped and left. One of those guys told me that he and his spouse get along much better with 2 time zones between them.

[slipnslide]

Have you ever noticed that most older couples who divorce are not with other people? They are still sharing a house and still acting married even though legally they aren't?


No, that's not the case in Canada. In fact I've never seen that here.

[confused_Hubby]

End the marriage. It's way too complicated.

Life is short. Eliminate the complications.

Had that option when we decided to separate a couple years ago. I couldn't imagine not being with her then(and it truly sucked not seeing her for the few months that we didn't speak) and i still can't imagine not waking up next to her in the morning. Do i know if there's a better relationship out there....nope but at the same time the grass is always greener on the other side till you jump.

Based on the past I'm perfectly happy sharing her with another gal.


You need to relax and just not think so hard about it, sexuality is a fluid thing and she may very well be picking up on mixed signals from you so she's giving mixed signals right back. Just enjoy being with her as much as possible and keep the lines of communication open, make it where she can talk with you and not to you. I wish you luck.

Its entirely possible a couple of our gay friends once in a while do have to remind me to relax a bit when we go out to the bars and things get a bit too close for my comfort. It amazing how you don't realize you're reacting this way or that to specific trigger situations.

all that being said we're definitely not splitting off for a couple of bumps in the road, so if we could steer the topic back to a slightly different track it would be greatly appreciated.

[Gearbox]

What bugs and bothers me is her swinging from maybe i am to yup nope
That's perfectly normal for a lot of bi's. Swinging their sexual preference from same gender to other gender to both genders can be gradual, or dramatic. But they are always bi.:)

Maybe she should join this or another bi site/group to help her come to terms with it?

[mikey3000]

When I first came out, I went nuts for guys, almost obsessive. I was insatiable. But that quickly passed, I settled down, and found a great guy friend (with my wife's blessing). It will for your wife too. she is just excited and maybe dealing with a certain amount of guilt. Let it run it's course and things should settle down.

[void()]

void reads thread, returns someone to ignore land, and wanders along.