TSA funnies

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Things I Shoulda said to the TSA staff when traveling last week. Altho I didnt go thru the normal pat down and grope session. WTF was up with that!??? lol Maybe I didnt look like a threat in the wheelchair this time. They didnt know that my brain was the most dangerous thing upon my personage. :bigrin:

1. Look at the guy/gal that had just patted down the person ahead of me, and hadnt changed those plastic gloves yet. "The hell you are! You aint pattin' me down without Both of ya'll changing gloves first! How do I know that person ahead of me dont have cooties or sumpthin!!???"

2. When they take my shoes/sandals off and see a Dr. Shoals gel insert in there, "Uhmm, careful with that. I bought it from the swarthy-looking dude outside the hotel this morning, and it feels a little more "Squishy" than my last ones did"

3. Holding out my arms and leering at the deer in the headlights new chick doing the pat-downs: "So girlfriend, you gunna kiss my cheek, pull my hair, talk dirty in my ear, what? Proceed, Baby"

4. To the guy getting ready to do a pat down: "You aint gunna buy me dinner and a drink first, WTF???"

5. Look at the "patters" and grinning nastily, "Oh cool. Its going to take Two of you to pat me down? They didnt tell me it was gunna be a party. Whoo Hoo!"
Then grin lecherously at the chick and say "Ok Girlie, you get the front and Big Boy here can handle the junk in the trunk. I have no prob in takin' on both of ya'll......"

And lastly, one that would Probly get me into Biiig trouble if I could ever pull it off with a straight face:

6.When the 'wand' goes off when encountering the plate in my back: "Uh oh, forgot ta take out that metal butt plug. My bad...."
Snicker.
Bad Cat

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Wow, nobody liked this.....:(
Cat

[Gearbox]

Your damn lucky there are no Mind Probe machines invented yet (as far as I know).
Imagine what it would be like at airports if they could detect crazy people?:bigrin: Or sexual predators?:rolleyes: Or non Christian hetero's?:eek:

Your metal bits would be the least of your troubles at customs.:bigrin:

[codybear3]

LOL... Cat, you are a danger with that brain of yours.... I don't like to fly because the "pat down" session doesn't take long enough to justify what they charge to fly anywhere... :rolleyes::paw::paw:

[bullhead69]

I always enjoy your posts Cat..

[hgf33]

I always enjoy your posts Cat..

LOL!!! Me too!! :-D

[twntexas]

I think it was the batteries in my butt plug that set the damn thing off....

:-)

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

lol Pecks to all of you.. Muahs! And Cody, since you dont like the non-pat down...I'll do it for ya...lol:bigrin:
Cat

[elian]

Yeah, funny that NOW they are soliciting pubic comment on the scanners right? As if they don't already have an idea of what the public thinks of them..

I could certainly joke about wanting to at least have dinner first.. but I'd imagine that after a while thing gets like the doctor's office or the porn store - once you've seen enough bodies they all seem like cattle.

So, do the internal crew of folks working at the airport, pilot and attendants all have to go through these same scans or do they just walk up the back stairs leading down to the tarmac?

[lizard-lix]

Great stuff Cat, even if I did cringe......

The scanners are great, for the first time since I got the titanium hips I feel normal in the airport again..

OTOH, I do miss the grope by the occasional cute and bathed TSA guy (very few and far between tho :-P

However, unlike Cat, I never even think about making jokes, I am 6' 215, muscular and Semitic.. I get really tired of getting held for no damn reason while they pick my shit to bits. They once had me down to my underwear (good I was wearing some) standing in the terminal in Germany (in the US soil portion of the airport, so it was US citizens doing it to a US citizen)

Now I worry about them making me open my encrypted disk full of porn LOL

[hgf33]

I never fly, so I'm curious... Do they do that whole liability thing, where only the guys pat down the guys, and the girls pat down the girls? As a bisexual, I would be totally ok with this! ;)

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Ive never been asked to take my clothes off, except for this last time I was asked to remove my top shirt. I was wearing a tankie top thingie and the guy doing the scanning did a small pause when he got a glimpse of 48 E cleavege contained in the skimpy top....Sorry but ya cant hide these damn things, they're just There) He stammered for a moment whilst I enjoyed his obvious discomfort. :bigrin:
Mean Ole Cat

[lizard-lix]

Yep HGF33, only guys do guys and girls, girls. But at least for me is not always pleasant. I really wasn't kidding about liking those that bathe.. I have been felt up at 6 AM by a guy who clearly had just come on duty and smelled like he hadn't showered in a week... I wanted to go shower again, right away. Instead it was several hours in the plane, drive to the customer, work all day then get to the hotel and out of my clothes at 7 PM.. UGH!

Cat, you ALWAYS get your licks in LMFAO twice!

And they really have had me down to the point where it wouldn't take much imagination for the rest.

Speaking of that FUCK the prudes and conservative ijits who bitch about being seen 'nude' by someone a mile away when they review the backscatter or mm wave scan. Lord, if someone gets off on a fuzzy pic of my junk, give me their phone number! :bigrin: And stuff the folks who are complaining about the exposure levels, you get more from the actual flight (tons more, the air is thin up there, so less shielding), not to mention smoking!.

I still love the stories about people who put big plastic roaches and really filthy underwear in strategic places for the screeners to find and deal with..

Liz

[12voltman59]

Its not really funny--but I had recently met someone who had been pretty well banged up in a car wreck a year or so ago and as such--he had to get a series of screws, pins, plates, etc put in his body in one of his legs and an arm. Not long ago he had a plane trip scheduled---the first one since he had gone through all the repair work and all.

He was concerned it might be an extra hassle to go through security, so he made sure that he had all of the necessary paperwork and such to show that he had indeed had the stuff put in.

When he got to the security point--he presented his documents to that effect---and did go through the body scan machine--then they wanded him, patted him down and then took him to a private room where he basically had to strip down to his undies and they patted him down again---he said they had to know that he was telling the truth about having all that metal hardware put in his body since the wand went off when they waved it over those areas--you can see the scaring and such on his body and the metal showed up in the places indicated in his medical documents----he said they were pretty much assholes in the way they treated him--they weren't mean per se---but weren't nice to him either.

After like a half hour extra of checking him out--they did let him dress, gather his belongings and make his way to the gate and then on to the plane--he felt that in a way the TSA people sort of enjoyed making him jump through extra hoops and all.

I know that we need to practice all necessary due diligence with our security these days--but I do wonder if it is all really necessary and if we don't have some in the TSA who do enjoy the sense of power they have over us just a bit too much???

He said that the way he got treated makes him not want to ever take a trip by plane ever again---he said it will make him only travel by plane if absolutely necessary.

[lizard-lix]

...snip

When he got to the security point--he presented his documents to that effect---and did go through the body scan machine--then they wanded him, patted him down and then took him to a private room where he basically had to strip down to his undies and they patted him down again---he said they had to know that he was telling the truth about having all that metal hardware put in his body since the wand went off when they waved it over those areas--you can see the scaring and such on his body and the metal showed up in the places indicated in his medical documents----he said they were pretty much assholes in the way they treated him--they weren't mean per se---but weren't nice to him either.

...snip

Interesting.. I was told to just forget the documents the first time I showed them. They said I could have a knife taped inside my leg or something, shadowed by the metal hips.

But the rest is definitely within the realm of what happens regularly.. I never take them up on the offer of a private room screening, that way the seem to usually be less likely to strip me and they settle for the patdown.. But as of Jan 1, 2011 (birth of the 'enhanced' patdown), they do get in my junk during the patdown which they didn't before then.

BTW, in Europe, it is pretty much the same, but without the nasty treatment (except by American folks in international zones), they are quick, efficient and usually friendly - and bathed and a lot cuter lol

I also get looks of disbelief when I tell them I have metal hips. When I set off the detectors and wands they freak because I am reasonably young looking and in shape (and Semitic in appearance). The only way you can tell I have metal hips is by X-ray or the scars on my butt. So that tends to cause them to single me out for grief...

They really do make traveling suck

(I've been a road warrior on and off for 30 years and I do miss the good old days when flying was fun not a freakin' trial)

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

i personally have never had to endure some of the insane and scary shit that others have had to go thru. Maybe because they look at disabled folks in a differwent light,,,I dunno. All Ive had to do is get out of my wheelchair(my son always insists on one of those damn things for me):rolleyes: Bless his little heart, but I am whisked thru the process by normally only taking off my sandals(in the summertime) and standing to go thru the scanner-thingie. I see others being wanded and patted down.
If they ever took me to be strip searched, and have my leg brace removed, ya'll would hear about it on the news...trust me.(That thing is a Bitch to put back on when you hafta do it in a hurry!) I Realize that they have to use precaution and do protocol, but its insanely out of control.

When I fly I travel to Calif I pack very light, compared to when I had to travel for the VA, so all they have to do is xray my bag and send me on my merry way. Last time, coming back I had returned with several small "gifts" and they had to be looked at and repacked, but it was people that I had known for years that worked in the small airport there in Calif. so I didnt really mind. They kinda got a kick out of the machanical Hampster in a Bikini that sang "Its raining men"........
So, if I getto go back this next year, I'll go the same method and see how it goes from there. :}
Cat

[12voltman59]

i personally have never had to endure some of the insane and scary shit that others have had to go thru. Maybe because they look at disabled folks in a differwent light,,,I dunno. All Ive had to do is get out of my wheelchair(my son always insists on one of those damn things for me):rolleyes: Bless his little heart, but I am whisked thru the process by normally only taking off my sandals(in the summertime) and standing to go thru the scanner-thingie. I see others being wanded and patted down.
If they ever took me to be strip searched, and have my leg brace removed, ya'll would hear about it on the news...trust me.(That thing is a Bitch to put back on when you hafta do it in a hurry!) I Realize that they have to use precaution and do protocol, but its insanely out of control.

When I fly I travel to Calif I pack very light, compared to when I had to travel for the VA, so all they have to do is xray my bag and send me on my merry way. Last time, coming back I had returned with several small "gifts" and they had to be looked at and repacked, but it was people that I had known for years that worked in the small airport there in Calif. so I didnt really mind. They kinda got a kick out of the machanical Hampster in a Bikini that sang "Its raining men"........
So, if I getto go back this next year, I'll go the same method and see how it goes from there. :}
Cat

That is the thing about the TSA---personally--I have always gone through very easily---never been hassled or treated rudely or anything---other than standing in line and having to almost strip down--its not been that big a thing for me--but it does seem there is a great deal of inconsistency in the way people get treated--I mean making little three year olds be stripped searched--same for octogenarian grannies---it seems that the TSA people are hardly consistent at all in the way they treat the flying public.

It also seems to vary widely from one airport to another.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

I dont understand the need to have Anyone strip down in the first place. With all of the scanners they have now days its easy to see Thru the clothing to detect anything metal or a gel-like substance. I think its ridiculous to have to be subjected to any of that disrobing need BS. Last time I flew, which was this July, the folks at LAX were pretty courtious to me. My adopted daughter go a pass to go almost up to the plane with me. She wanted to see how disabled persons were treated with United Airlines. We had no problem going thru security, I didnt get patted, and altho I Hate being in a wheelchair at airports, everything went very swiftly and smoothly. But I Did see people having to go thru the whole pat down process, and having to have their suit case ramsacked.
I still think this whole process is getting out of hand, and its a wonder some airline hasnt been sued by now.,,,
Cat.

[elian]

Your daughter is smart to make you stay in the chair Cat, they may give you a break if you are in a wheelchair. Disney is also a great company in this regard.


I dont understand the need to have Anyone strip down in the first place. With all of the scanners they have now days its easy to see Thru the clothing to detect anything metal or a gel-like substance. I think its ridiculous to have to be subjected to any of that disrobing need BS. Last time I flew, which was this July, the folks at LAX were pretty courtious to me. My adopted daughter go a pass to go almost up to the plane with me. She wanted to see how disabled persons were treated with United Airlines. We had no problem going thru security, I didnt get patted, and altho I Hate being in a wheelchair at airports, everything went very swiftly and smoothly. But I Did see people having to go thru the whole pat down process, and having to have their suit case ramsacked.
I still think this whole process is getting out of hand, and its a wonder some airline hasnt been sued by now.,,,
Cat.