Please advise...

[bigoddess]

I'm a bisexual married 30 year old female. I didn't realise I was or that it was really that different for many years. I honestly thought the feelings I felt were normal. I first kissed a girl in my early teens, I kissed several. My friends and I use to kiss each other, it was the 'norm'. By the age of about 13 I started always staying at my bestfriends house or she would stay at my house, every night, we would always share a single bed together ;-) this continued as I grew up, until I was 20 years old and met my husband I always had a bestfriend who would stay over or vice versa. (I also had several boyfriends in this time too) I never gave it much thought. I had several best friends as I grew up.

I met my husband when I was 20 years old. I also, had a female best friend at the time. My relationship with my husband nearly never happened at the start, because after a couple of first dates with him I brought my bestfriend at the time, got drunk (I know not a bright move) and started snogging her in his local pub. He walked out and went home. I followed him home and because I really liked him and he ticked all the boxes and my parents liked him etc. I agreed to a relationship with only him. I agreed never to see my best friend again or to see any of the people from my past. My best friends boyfriend at the time was also my exboyfriends best friend so that was another excuse for him not to want me to see her.
After I had been dating my now husband for about a month he had a bad works accident and I moved in to his home to help him. This was approx less than a week after me snogging my friend infront of him. I gave up everything apart from my job to help him. As soon as I moved in with him I gave up my 'old' life and started a 'new' life with him. My phone some how broke and I lost all my contacts and I never tried to find them again.
Very soon after he told me he had a fetish for feet. He also had a porn addiction. I had never seen porn before I met him. He was in contact with some foot fetish porn stars in New York as well (we live in the uk). After a couple of years I made him get rid of the porn and I made him stop all contact with porn stars. He says his foot fetish is a need not a want so he must have it, so we have always done that. He says it is part of who he is. It hasn't always been easy being married to a fetishist, having to wear certain shoes and tights etc at one point I jelous of my own feet.
Anyhow life like this continued, I had no friends, lived in a town where I didn't know anyone and after 5 months together he asked me to give up the job I loved to work with him. Which I did. We got married, I gave up work to have children and I suffered from very bad depression for about two years after my youngest child.
Life carried on we moved house and I recently made friends with the family next door. Our children are the same age so we have had some play dates for the children etc. So now I have a friend again for the first time in ten years. So I invited her round for a glass of wine the other day, and we ended up making out for some time in my kitchen. Yes we were drunk and I didn't mean for it to happen. I told my husband first thing in the morning that I had kissed her. I don't know why I told him straight away, I think its just that I'm honest, I don't lie.I didn't really see it as a big deal, it was a drunken mistake. He wasn't happy but he wasn't really mad at me, he just went quiet until last night. I decided I needed to address my true feelings towards females and that I must address this with my husband. (I do not wish, nor does my friend wish to continue a relationship - we are 'just' going to be friends).

I think my husband is going to leave me when he gets home from work, because I told him that I am bisexual (he knew but we have never talked about it) and that I really miss being with other females and that I just cant help this uncontrolable urge inside myself to be with another woman. The thing is that I want to be with him also, because I love him. He's really not ok with what I have said to him (he knows all my past with females). I just don't know what to do.

[btown88]

Wow, it appears your honesty may have damaged your marriage? It sounds like his loss, in my opinion. We accept our mates for who and what they are, not for what they think we should be.

You have to ask yourself if you'd be better off with him or without him. Only you know the answer.

Like I said, sounds like his loss.

[Realist]

First of all, welcome to the site. Finding it just may be one of the best things you've ever done!

I learned a long time ago: If you love someone, set them free. If they love you, they will stay, if not, let 'em go! I've never found peace in being controlling, or being controlled.

You can love someone who is not good for you...God, do I know that! But, once you have peace AND love, then you'll know why the choices you make are so important!

Good luck to you, Lady. I hope the choices you make will make you happy, once again.

[matutum]

Wow, it appears your honesty may have damaged your marriage? It sounds like his loss, in my opinion. We accept our mates for who and what they are, not for what they think we should be.

You have to ask yourself if you'd be better off with him or without him. Only you know the answer.

Like I said, sounds like his loss.

what were your vows when getting married?? You can feel anyway you want ..if it's ok with him for you to have other women to play with then you have his permission..If you decide to cheat on him it is cheating, you know it when you do it..drunk or not..your word is all you have, so keep it sacred..

[12voltman59]

Dear--just from what you say here----and its only a cursory, first impression---but your man seems like a narcissistic, controlling bastard that wants it all his way---but to hell with whatever it is you want----if he leaves ya--you may be better off even though you will surely have some tough times as a result--and roughest on your kids--but all in all--it may take a few years--I would bet it will be the best thing that ever happened to ya that he leaves you!!

Good luck and all the best for you and your kids.

[bizel]

hi and welcome to the site, biggoddess. you couldn't have come to a better place for support. people here, on a whole, are lovely.

firstly, take a deep breath. i have to say, i'm all for honesty and think you finally did the right thing. your husband has been honest and expects you to accomodate his fetishes, and you have. now, it's his turn. if he was truly honest with himself, he knew you were bi - i mean, you kissed in front of him so it's a no-brainer really. if he chose to ignore it and hope it would go away, well, duh! not your problem.

my hubby came out as bi a while back and we're still coming to terms with it. quite honestly, i don't know if we have a relationship that will survive. but one thing i have learnt is, i have to think of me. i came to realise i had based so much on us, and him that when all this happened it was as if my world had ground to a halt and was going to end. i freaked out and didn't know if i could handle it. once i managed to calm the panic down, i realised i was a person and deserved consideration. i have dreams, goals, wishes and i am going to achieve them - with or without him. he is not the centre of my world. i am. it took a readjustment of my head, and occassionally, i slip back into the old pattern and have to bring myself into order again. once you have your head straightened out, and realise you are the most important person in your world - not him, then you can see things a little more clearly.

ok, he's having his fun and his world is upset by what you have told him. well, he's just going to have to either accept and adjust, or ditch it. but he needs time to sort his head, and that's ok. he may lash out and just react. that's ok. all of his reactions are his responsibility. don't you take it onboard, and feel guilt over it. you need to sort out a plan that suits YOU, not him, and stick to it. you can't live a lie anymore. it eats at you and makes you so unhappy. it's about time you started to live a genuine life. your marriage if YOU and he choose, can survive this, and according to plenty of people here even be enhanced by it. that all depends on the maturity and love between you two. if it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world. there may be a better relationship out there just waiting for you to end this one. and while we stick to soul-destroying relationships, we're not open to better ones. just remember, this is not his decision alone. you have a say in this as well. have a look at the complete relationship. is it what you want? are your feelings/wishes considered? can you imagine enjoying the next five years with this man? does he offer you the support you need? does he bring you joy? the way he's reacting sounds as if there are more issues that just this. i wish you well. big hug, b.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hi Hon, welcome. It sounds to me like he has "Cake and eat it too Syndrome" Why is it ok for him and not you to enjoy things from your past? Why is it ok for You to have to change being who you are, and adapt to His guidlines?? You endulge His whims and demands, how come you cant be who you were, and are? Marrige is a give and take proposition. I realize he is thinking a fetish isnt sex with another person type of reasoning, but he knew you were bi before the marriage. You have given up so much for him, couldnt he let you have some leway to have friend's and maybe a little "girl-time" as well?
Stand your groud, Darlin. And do what you think is best for you. It may be hard in the beginning, but in the long run like Voltie said, it'll be well worth it.
Good luck Hon;)
Cat.

[Vikkster230]

Hi. I think that at the time your husband talked about how the fetish is for him, it was the time for you to talk about that contact with women are the same for you... Now that it's done, you need to figure out what you want in life. He will either accept it or not. It seems that you have had to sacrifice quite a bit for this man, the least he could do is accept you for who you are. I hope things are ok for you.

[DuckiesDarling]

I read the OP last night when it was posted. I read it again and come to the same conclusions. Your husband might be an arrogant ass but he was an arrogant ass when you met him, before you married him. You chose to enter into a binding relationship with him and you willingly surrendered parts of yourself, oh so slowly that you may not have realized it. Then it suddenly rears up after you have given up everything to satisfy him that the one thing you can't give up is your bisexuality. Because it's not something you give up, it's part of you. You can deny it, you can choose not to act on it, but you can not give up that part of your soul. I wish I had better advice for you than walk away, but if you stay, you have more of the same coming your way in future years until you are not even a shadow of your former self, you will simply be your husbands shoe model. :2cents:

I wish you the best of luck and truly hope for an outcome that is satisfying for both of you but I just don't see it at this time.