Seeking Help

[Scared]

Hey all,

First of all, I can't believe I'm here writing this. It feels unlike anything I would have ever expected I would need to do... but alas, I am here and I need help.

I am a 30 year old straight male with a wife of two years (in a relationship for 4). Very early on in the relationship, my wife told me that she was attracted to women as well as men. It's hard to remember exactly how I reacted back then, but i think maybe I was a little shocked and worried at first and then eventually fell into the mindset that most women are probably attracted to other women (no big deal). I'm not sure if that's really true or not, but it feels like a possibility to me.

So I guess after awhile I kind of shrugged it off. Secure that she had chosen me for me and that was that.

4 years later... things are getting complicated. My wife and I are having troubles at the moment. In an effort to sum it up quickly, here's the deal:

I've been getting gradually more depressed lately because of things unrelated to our marriage and unfortunately I've been taking my feelings out on my wife. Examples would be letting out little bursts of anger here and there for no good reason. basically just being an ass all around. What I didn't really realize, even though she had been giving me some signs, was that these outbursts of dickish behavior have been causing her to pull away and become detached from me. my depression has also caused me to feel more insecure and I've been questioning her devotion to me and saying things like "I think you're going to leave me for a woman because I know you are curious and interested in women and since you've never had that experience, I just know that one day the curiosity is going to become too great and you will stray".

So... in effect, I've been showing mass quantities of distrust.

Now that I've finally gotten a clue and realize how badly I've been behaving, I am ready to put in 200% of my efforts to show her how I really feel inside about her and not let my depression get the best of me, but she has been very open with me lately and has told me about fantasies she's had about other women friends of hers... women in her school and workplace, etc. Now that she's pulled away from me, she's questioning whether or not she should really be with a woman.

Needless to say, I'm scared out of my mind. I cannot lose my wife. She is the most important thing in the world to me.

Our latest agreement is as follows....

She will give me time to get my shit together and treat her as she should be treated. If, after that, she begins to feel closer to me and things begin to heal, I will consider the possibility (this was my suggestion) of allowing her to have a sexual experience with a woman so that she can find out first hand if that's really where she wants to be... or if she is content with me.

I feel that I can eventually accept her bisexuality, but I am scared to let this experience take place. I also have no idea how it could take place. Obviously I wouldn't want her to have this experience with anyone she is in regular contact with for fear of eventual emotional attachment.

What do I do?

What do WE do?

Help!

[arana]

It sounds like you've already laid the ground work to getting your relationship with her back on the mend. All you can do is show her how much she means to you. SHOW her, don't just tell her. As they say, little things mean a lot. If she loves you things will work out. There's no way you can force her to feel connected and love only you, but it doesn't mean she can't nor won't. Good luck!!

[woolleygirl]

Your ground work is laid out now is the time for you give her the space that she needs. You may be insecure about but you need to let her feel that she is the most important person in your life and you will do whatever it takes. It sound like you are doing just that all you can do is keep positve and spprtive for her for her other wise she will sense that you are unsure. Love is there you just have to give it room to shine.

T

[Lorcan]

Looks like you're finally in touch with your feelings and are communicating with your partner. That's half the battle. Now take one thing at time.
According to your latest agreement she will give you time to "get your shit together and treat her as she should be treated." Don't dwell on the experience your wife may try in the future; dwell on your relationship. Shower her with affection. If your relationship gets to a high enough point you two will handle anything.

[jedinudist]

It can be difficult to prevent the things in our daily lives from intruding upon our personal relationships. When you say that you have been getting gradually more depressed lately because of things unrelated to your marriage and unfortunately you've been taking your feelings out on your wife, I can understand. It is a sometimes unavoidable mistake that many of us will make sooner or later. Something that has helped my wife and me (actullay, it's usually me) is to remind ourselves that our spouse is our advocate, our safe harbour, the one person that loves us above all; and likewise- the one we love.

I have brought many things home that have soured my mood, and yes, I have had depressions to deal with. Because something effects me, it will effect my wife. The same will happen with you. But it's how we present these things that will either hurt our loved ones or show them that we love them and are sharing with them the things in our lives that are effecting us. Taking these things out on them, regardless if they are bisexual and interested in pursuing that path, will inevitably start to drive a wedge between the two of you. Nobody wants to be the emotional "whipping boy" (or girl) in a relationship, but it can strengthen your relationship when you share with her the things that have upset you.

Trust- that's a hard one. The type of statements you say you have made are telling her directly that you do not trust her. Do not let fear or insecurity move you to lose the trust you must have in her. She is showing you that she not only still trusts you, but values your relationship as well. She is showing you her trust in you by being honest with you about her interest in bisexuality. It could be an interest in anything that she feels you may not approve of- skydiving, gardening, poker- it's just in this case it's bisexuality. And for her to come to you and share that with you is showing you that you are important to her. If you weren't, she could easily just go ahead and pursue her interest without your knowledge. But instead, she came to you. Think before you speak. If she is wanting an explanation as to what is bothering you, tell her that you love her, and that you trust her, but that you know you have not always chosen the best way to tell her these things and you need to calm down or take a breath first. Then tell her that same day. Remember you are speaking with the most important person in your world, choose your words appropriately.

An example (I'm not picking on ya- just pointing out something I learned and that will help) is when you say "I will consider the possibility (this was my suggestion) of allowing her to have a sexual experience with a woman so that she can find out first hand if that's really where she wants to be... or if she is content with me". "Allowing" may not be the best way to look at it, or to express it. There's allot of authority and control built into that word. You are partners. Neither of you should look at the other as a person who is in control over you.

In my marriage, I am the Bisexual. I told my wife about this before we married. My wife and I have found that talking calmly about it has lent greater understanding and trust to our relationship intead of turning us against each other. That's because we talk about it calmly and with love. I love my wife more than I thought it possible for one human to love another, and I know she feels likewise. I am more than "content" with her, I am in love- and she now understands this.

Can I be content with her and still desire to have sex with someone else who is the same sex as me? Absolutely. Does this mean I love or respect my wife any less? Absolutely NOT. It could be the same with your wife. She hasn't said she's interested in another man, she has said she is interested in the idea of being with another woman.

It took my wife a while to understand this, but I have absolutely no interest in having sex with another woman. I am in love with my wife, she is the only woman in the world to me (sorry ladies- but my wife rules lol). If she expressed an interest in having sex with another woman, it would bother me a little because I have been taught that it should. In reality, it would have nothing to do with my abilities in the sexual department, or our love for one another. It would be because she is also attracted to what she could only get from someone of the same sex. I would be ok with it provided she took proper precautions and the other woman was a good person. It doesn't reflect well or badly on me at all. It's just part of the person she would be if she desired to do that. Likewise for me, if I want to have sex with another guy, it holds no reflection at all for or against my wife. I simply desire what I can only get from another guy.

As for allowing me... My wife has actually asked me if I would like to go ahead and look for a guy to have sex with to satisfy this need. Because I had hurt her in the past, I declined. I would not risk injuring our love for each other again. Perhaps in the future I will look for a guy to have sex with. But, only after we have talked more about it and we are both sure it will not bring harm or resentment into our relationship.

It took an awesome amount of Love and courage for my wife to tell me that she was ready for me to look for a guy to satisfy the other part of my sexuality. I respect that greatly. I'm not ready to do that yet.

I understand your fear- I see it in the eyes of my beloved. The fear that the other will leave having found something or someone better. I don't know you or your wife, so I have to make some generalizations here.

Marriage isn't convenient. It isn't easy. The person you marry will not forever be the same as they were the day you fell in love. Marriage takes allot of care and attention. It demands understanding, compassion, sacrifice, and boatloads of love regularly.

And it is one of the precious few things that are worth fighting for.

Look into yourself. Do this when you are alone and without distraction. Identify the things that you are afraid of (this can be a very uncomfortable thing to do, but do it anyway). Then look at your loved one. When you said "Now that she's pulled away from me, she's questioning whether or not she should really be with a woman" could indicate several things. One could be that you have scared her into denying how she feels and caused her to backpeddle away from it. Fear has no place where there is love. If your wife is bisexual, forcing her to bury and hide that will eventually erode her feelings for you. You are the one person in the world she should never fear, and should always be able to express her true self around without receiving judgement in return.

This is not just up to you, it's up to both of you. You have said that she is the most important thing in the world to you. You don't need to tell us that as much as you need to prove it to her with love, trust, compassion, and understanding. She has shown you love and trust in telling you about this. Now show her your love and trust in return. This does not mean you have to condone or accept her having sex with anyone else. But it does mean that if your statement is true, you will accept her, and work with her without judgement; for love knows not judgement. Love only knows Love.

I wish you both the best as you continue down the paths of your lives.

[meteast chick]

You've obviously put a great deal of thought into this and have your and her best intentions at heart. The first part of your message is eerily familiar, as I, being a bifemale and married for 6 years to a straight male, can attest. The difference is that he told me straight up that he would leave me if I cheated on him, with women, men, whoever. I can understand that now, knowing that my romantic and sexual feelings for him waned years ago. If I had gone through with it I don't know what the outcome would have been, but I would've hedged my bets on goodbye hubby. Well, that ends up being the case anyway, as I stopped lying to myself about my feelings for him and my level of attraction to other women. I told him when we dated that I was attracted to women but it's my belief that he shrugged it off, put it in the back of his mind, because when I subscribed to this site and told him about it he said he felt blindsighted. I can't help this. I feel like it would be doing a disservice to both of us if we kept up this charade.

I have only the best wishes for the both of you in hoping that your situation doesn't turn out like mine. If I could change my feelings I would. He loves me so much and allthough I love him, the feelings to keep up a marriage are simply not there.

Good luck to you and yours,
Take care,
luv and kisses,
xoxoxoxo
meteast

[Naked]

put me in the camp that is against letting her have an affair with another woman. I think you have enough issues to work out without the complication of her feeling attracted to someone specific. apply your same logic to a pure heterosexual - if she likes men shouldnt she be able to experiment with more of them. Some relationships can work that way. I once had an open relationship with a girlfriend in colllege and it was just a front to us being able to sleep with whomever we wanted. The committment to each other wasnt there and eventually neither was the relationship. Open sounds great in theory but someone will eventually get hurt or you will drift apart because the need to work it out is diminished by needs satisfied elsewhere.

Now thats not to say you cant ( or shouldnt) indulge her bisexuality. Fantasize together, view lesbian and bisexual porn together, find out what she would like to do with a woman and try to accommodate as best you can. (she want to wear a strap-on - you can be a good sport cant you?) And if she needs the real thing, then at least be there (my opinion) but this is not a good option (also my opinion).

most important , work on how you're treating her, thats the number one reason she moving away. find help for your depression either by talking out your issues with her or a professional. Otherwise you are trying to put out a fire with gasoline and wondering why the situation isnt getting better.

finally - apologies to all you swingers that have great relationships despite multiple partners. You obviously are more successful at segmenting sexual relationships from the deep long-lasting committed ones than I am.

good luck.

naked.

[Whippersnap]

I agree with Memphis. One way I over came my worries, anger and whatever else I did to lose my first marriage was to sit down and take a good look at myself. What I saw was a real idiot. I then looked at the things that made me angry, upset and found them to be situations that I had no control over, then and only then, did I see what I was, "A CONTROL FREAK!" I did not do all of this in one day, it took months. Now when I start to get upset, P.O.'d or thinking of having a temper tantrum I just think of something about the situation that can be amusing and have a quiet laugh.

Please do not let lifes BS get you down. If you love your wife then try to do something like I did. Try to laugh about something that annoys you. Mostly show your wife how important she is to you and do not try to control her and her feelings/desires. If she explores them then be supportive, would you not want her to be supportive if the roles were reversed. Good Luck in everything.