Bisexual? Possible or myth?

[danreidbarmi]

Time for a palate cleanser, a departure from my tortured journey through coming out to my dear wife (tolerable days and worse days, Btw). At this juncture, let's pose a less-personal and more-universal subject that applies to all of us:

My wife and I have a number of gay friends. It seems, the majority of them do not believe in bisexuality. According to these bright, charming folks, regardless of whether a person has experienced sexual attraction and engaged in equally pleasurable encounters with both genders, that person is really either gay or straight. In other words, sexual orientation has no middle ground. For them, it's "bi now, gay later." That, however, has not been my truth.

Opinions?

[Long Duck Dong]

the differcult thing is that bisexuality is so grey...... its classed as a attraction to both genders, yet many bisexuals are not attracted to both genders, they just want to suck another males cock.....

most gay / lesbian people identify as people that have a emotional and mental attraction to the same gender..... something a lot of bisexuals don't....
and that is what a lot of gay people see...

there are balanced bisexuals that can have a relationship with a male or female equally and in my experience we are less likely to be judged as harshly.....

most of my gay friends notice that I treat both genders equally.... that i will hug and kiss them both with warmth and consideration..... and that I have been honest about how I have been attracted to some members of both genders..... but that I would not want to enter into a relationship with them as I would not like to push them into a open style relationship, specially if they are gay or straight and not able to come to terms with a bisexual partner that would need both genders equally within the relationship......


so in my eyes, the issue is the conduct of bisexuals ourselves...... we proclaim to be bisexual but in a lot of cases, we merely have a attraction to sex organs of one gender and a more developed interest in relationships and interactions with the other gender

[12voltman59]

I don't think that all gays feel thusly--but I think a fair number do.

From my observations of this---I think that stance has much to do with gays holding fast to their set of "oughts and shoulds" just as pretty much everyone does with various things in life.

It doesn't fit into their political-ideological views relating to homosexuality that bisexuality has any validity.

I guess that for those gays who do hold the view that bisexuality "doesn't exist"---I can see why they feel that way considering they have suffered much as a result of being gay and they most likely feel that those claiming bisexuality---are trying to hide themselves from the most negative aspects that gays have experienced over the years at the hands of the mainstream heterosexual world.

[slipnslide]

<sarcasm>
oh they're exactly right - the same way there are only short people or tall people, fat people or skinny people, white hair or black hair, blue eyes or brown eyes. Nature only likes extremes and never does anything in the middle
</sarcasm>

:tongue:

In my opinion the gay people who say this are actually uncomfortable in their own skin and are seeking validation.

[bisexual Bill]

Sometimes a man that's gay will say that he's bisexual even though he knows that he's gay.

It does not mean that someone that is really bisexual somehow becomes a homosexual man or if they're a woman a lesbian.

The guys that cheat on their wives with lots of men are usually gay and closeted about being gay men. There are men who live a lie and build a marriage around being afraid to come out as a gay man and wind up hurting their straight wives and children.

[coyotedude]

I exist, therefore they're wrong.

I'm sure there are many reasons why some gay men and lesbian women negate the existence of bisexuality. Some reasons may be more understandable than others.

But the bottom line is that they're wrong. Period.

[balmone]

I think being bisexual is not a myth. Though I do believe that it is hard for any person to like both males and females completely equally. I think most people tend to lean atleast a little more towards one sex or the other.

[Realist]

As far as I'm concerned, there is no question that I am and have been bisexual, since I first became conscious of the ability to see, feel and touch.

But, you can't deal with absolutes, here. There are so many variables. I've been actively bisexual since I was 14, but have often swung from one extreme to another.

I was so in love with another boy, when I was 14; I was sure that I'd never want to be with anyone else. But at 15, I had a summer long encounter with an older woman........then I knew I'd never want to be with another male!

At 16, I fell for another guy...do you see where I'm going with this?

Only once, when I lived with an older married guy and his wife, did I feel I was equally gay and straight...meaning right down the middle bisexual.

I have heard, from some gay and straight folks, that no one could possibly want to be with both genders! From where they are thinking, I guess it's difficult for them to understand.

I've noticed in later years, that there seems to be more tolerance from the gays and straight folks I've known.

Then, there are the ones who believe it's OK and, even natural, for one gender to desire their own gender, but not the other. My first wife was bi. In her mind, it was totally normal for her to be attracted to the ladies, but absolutely NASTY for me to have an attraction for another guy!

These days, I am in love with the most fantastic bi girl I've ever known and my desire to be with a guy is at about it's lowest ebb, ever. It's not totally gone and who knows when and if it'll return. But, as long as I'm honest and open with my GF, she can accept me as who I am. I will also afford her that same courtesy.

There's no way to win this subject with absolutes!

[information seeker]

I am pretty new to all this stuff,
3 months post disclosure of my husband of 18yrs that he is BS and has been unfaithfull to me more times than he could possibly count,
(this was revealed about 18months ago - promises to stop - then broken again)
but I know B-S exists, and I dont have a problem with it, but my problem is this - when you choose some one and marry them, for all intents and purposes this is a commitment and the whole idea is you have chosen someone.
Now, I am attracted to Men and whilst I have been married I have often seen Men that are hot hot hot and thought hhhmmm that is nice - but do not act on it. I think that if you want to try all the candy in the shop, then do it, but dont choose someone and then betray them. be true to what you like and leave it at that. I understand that it is hard to be stuck in the middle and my husband moaned that people will judge him for being different - but trust me they are only judging him for the lies and heart break that infidelity causes.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

Hon, its perfectly ok to say the word. Its Bisexuality or Bisexual. Its not a dirty word...but cheating and lying Is/are. Stay with us a while and learn for those of us who are Bi, and from those who are married/partnered with Bi loves, and see that not all Bi-Folk are bad.
And as for the Gay folks...they's just jealous...lol (Kidding kidding, so no one get their panties in a bunch) :tongue:
Cat

[citystyleguy]

'... It seems, the majority of them do not believe in bisexuality. According to these bright, charming folks, regardless of whether a person has experienced sexual attraction and engaged in equally pleasurable encounters with both genders, that person is really either gay or straight. In other words, sexual orientation has no middle ground. For them, it's "bi now, gay later." ...'

another good expression comes to mind here; and that is horseshit! this, 'oh, i am only one guy away from gay' fantasy exists only to satisfy the small minds of those who can't get around the possibility of fluidity in sexual orientation.

once again, tho' i have stated it more times than i care to think, i am not now, nor ever have been, nor ever will be anything but bisexual; i can be with either a man or a woman, singularly or in a relationship, at any given time. also, if i am with a woman now, or with a man, i am not limited nor does my interest/desire with the opposite sex diminish in any way, shape, or form.

this attitude of one or the other, is equally shared amongst het's as it is with gays; i guess horseshit sense knows no bounds! :cool:

[Falke]

Hon, its perfectly ok to say the word. Its Bisexuality or Bisexual. Its not a dirty word...but cheating and lying Is/are. Stay with us a while and learn for those of us who are Bi, and from those who are married/partnered with Bi loves, and see that not all Bi-Folk are bad.
And as for the Gay folks...they's just jealous...lol (Kidding kidding, so no one get their panties in a bunch) :tongue:
Cat

This.

I.S. I am sorry to hear about that.

[biblkman]

This may seem silly and a far reach....

But you know how when straight people find out a really attractive person is gay or lesbian they say too bad , or that person Is to fine to be gay or lesbian.

They say that cause they feel they lost a potential partner to the other team....

The gays and lesbians who don't believe in bisexuality just want more people on there team.

It may seem silly, but that's how I see it

[12voltman59]

Discussions like this bring me back to an understanding I have come to during my exploration about my bisexual side.

Thinking back to when I was young and trying to deal with my desires to have sex with other guys--I very much knew that I wanted to do so but was very much put off by all the things that are part and parcel to gayness, for lack of a better term that kept me from actually doing much with other guys.

Now that I am a number of years into experiencing my bisexual in more than simply thinking or fantasizing about it---doing so has brought me into contact to "the gay world" and of course gay men.

This contact has made me realize something---that even though I may share with gay men the desire to have and actually having sex with other guys---I am very clearly not gay because in spite of the view that if one has sex with someone of the same sex--they are gay and that is that---I say that the sexual component of "gayness" is only a very small component of such a state of being.

At least in terms of male gayness----the sex part of it is only a fraction of what it means to be a gay male----and other than having sex with other guys--I am very clearly not a gay man.

Being "gay" is an all encompassing state of being----with me not matching hardly any of those elements that make it up--other than the fact that at times I have had and do have sex with other guys.

I don't even know if the term bisexuality is really all that descriptive of my personal version of sex orientation, identity, etc. but it is the closest that is out there since I am clearly not purely straight too--and like being gay---I have come to the relization that I was never really purely straight either since in so many ways--I never comformed fully to all that it means to be a heterosexual person in our society.

It seems that in most things in this life--I have always been a person somewhat apart from the rest---and with my sexuality--that seems to hold true as well.

Whatever I really am--one thing is for sure-I sure as hell am not a myth, I do exist!!!!

[diB4u]

I think its possible that a person is bisexual totally liking both genders, but then saying that because sexuality is fluid some people eventually do move towards being gay or lesbian. It all depends on the person and their experiences, but to say that they are gay in the future is wrong.


:2cents:

[danreidbarmi]

There is a lot of truth here.

The gay community has fought long and hard (no pun intended) to gain any status at all. Many of them feel that, in order to enjoy the benefits of that struggle, one has to make a complete commitment. Also, many gay men have been strung along by allegedly "bi" guys who have used them for extra-marital sex toys.

And, certainly there are gay men who use the term bi because they are not yet comfortable with the idea of being absolutely homosexual.

However, if a guy claims that even tho he likes to suck cock, that doesn't make him bisexual, then we're getting a little fuzzy here. We're talking about sexuality here, not love and relationships. If a guy longs to blow other guys, come on -- there is no way he's straight.

Lastly, we are wise to recognize that we all change as time goes on, that our sexual tastes change, too. I think we are all bisexual, but that's just one admitted bisexual's POV.

[Cherokee_Mountaincat]

lol I vote we just be People, and love whom we wish, when we wish, and as often as we wish! :bigrin: Hey, sounds like a plan ta me..lol
Cat

[cornholejoe]

i like both men and women mostly like men in athreesome but have went one on one with a few men i knew that i met in a threesome i have no boyfriends but have three girlfriends and two of the girls live together and are bi so i think there are such a thing as bisexual

[danreidbarmi]

lol I vote we just be People, and love whom we wish, when we wish, and as often as we wish! :bigrin: Hey, sounds like a plan ta me..lol
Cat

If it could only be that simple. There is a thread on this site in which someone claimed that the hippie movement failed because of a refusal to be more sexually flexible and accepting of homosexuality. Coming from that era, I don't remember it that way. It was the drugs and an absolute refusal to give prior generations any credit whatsoever that brought on the quick demise of the hippies.

Free love, however, is a concept that is pure -- as long as communication is also free, open, and honest. Our egos are fragile, and jealousy is among the most toxic of all human emotions. So, I agree, it would be a much more wonderful world (and absolutely free from terrorism, sexism, and war) if we were able to do just what Mtncat suggests.

In the meantime, I'm up against a phalanx of friends who are all angry and resentful over my wounding my wife so severely, because they think I failed to choose one sexual preference over another. I would really welcome somebody's comment who challenges bisexuality as an authentic sexual orientation. (Not that I don't completely appreciate and empathize with you brothers and sisters who share my stance, that I am bi, no matter what anyone says!)

[tenni]

I was surprised to find some gay men denying bisexuality as being just a stop spot and we are really gay. I understand that the argument that some gay people say that they are bi and later decide that they are gay. There was a really nice young fellow on here a few months back who made that decision. It is all part of some people's process.

I also understand that a few gay men get involved with bi men and then fall in love with the schmuck only to find out that he isn't interested in a romantic relationship. Maybe, with bisexuality being such a wide range of possibilties as to how we live our lives, gays can become confused. Some of these gays get really upset with bisexuals because of this...or so I was told by a gayman. I'm also inclined to think that they see things as gay or straight. They can understand heterosexuality but not bisexuality. A similar argument might be made for heteros not understanding that bisexuals are attracted to both genders. Both can understand monosexuality.

[danreidbarmi]

We live in a world that wants to put everyone in neat little packages and then insists that we stay there. If we are not definable as one thing and one thing only, we are confusing.

I mean, I'd find it hard to get away with saying that I'm part Episcopalian and part Buddhist, even tho that might be close to what my beliefs really are. You either go by the Book of Common Prayer, or you go by the teachings of the Buddha. Right?

But, more and more, the world is full of hybrids. We have a mixed-race president, for Heaven's sake! Our kids go to school with kids of all racial combinations, faiths, and even open sexuality. My 18 yr old daughter has referred to bisexuality as a sexual orientation many times (she doesn't know about Dad yet -- or that Mom wants to divorce Dad, but that's another very painful subject altogether.)

What's surprising is that the most harsh judgment comes from those I assumed would be the most open-minded and welcoming. While I'm beginning to understand the reasons for this, I can't help but feel like a mulatto in the '50s, unwanted by blacks and shunned by whites as well. Still, I have to believe that I know who I am, and that no one, gay or straight, has the right to tell me otherwise.

It's so disheartening, not to mention disrespectful, to hear that one of our best friends told my wife, "Well, Dan's gay." I mean, this is a woman who had a lengthy and open lesbian relationship and expected us all to accept it without question (an experiment, she claims now). Now, she's getting married to a very metro-sexual guy. She makes this assertion about me based on what she has heard from our other gay friends, who unanimously claim that bisexuality is a myth. I knew that I would lose friends by coming out, but my gay friends? Ouch.

(Anyway, now the narcissist is making this all about me again. Sorry.)

[open2both]

If it doesn't exist... THEN HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN ME???

[elian]

Bisexuality 't'aint no lie - otherwise I'd have no way to explain how I can be gung-ho for some sexy smooth guy thrusting and moaning and squirting one day and two weeks later be just as turned on by watching some lady with a big wide smile on her face having the most violent looking spasms and contractions saying "Oh Gawd, yes please more!!"

You may or may not know just how painful and confusing it was trying so hard to fit myself into either the "gay" box or the "straight" box and never quite being able to be 100% sure.

-E

[danreidbarmi]

You may or may not know just how painful and confusing it was trying so hard to fit myself into either the "gay" box or the "straight" box and never quite being able to be 100% sure.-E

I know exactly what you mean. I've been struggling with my sexual identity since long before I had pubes. Finally, in this late stage of what has been a very dynamic journey, I have come to the absolute conclusion that I am bisexual. While this realization gives me some comfort and relief, and knowing that others have gone through this struggle only to come to the same conclusion helps me feel not so alone, it's bleepin' hard when one's own friends can't seem to understand or accept my definition of myself -- either because they are hard-core gay and intolerant of sexual ambivalence, or because they disapprove of any "choice" other than hetero.

Fortunately, a minority of my friends (so far) are able to accept me as I am. (That doesn't necessarily mean that they approve of my infidelity to my wife - but at least they don't judge my claim of bisexuality.) This kind of proves my point that bisexuals don't really fit in anywhere - except with each other. Maybe that's how it should be. As far as I'm concerned, bi's are the best. Hooray for us! (Just kidding. I love my straight and gay friends, too. And I still adore my straight wife with all my heart.)